^{Friday, 31 May 24}

All of my shit!! all of my everything needs to be changed! Everything

there is no such thing as love. There is no such thing as people. there is no such thing as love. there is no such thing as people. Heaven, just heaven. I am almost done with a new piece that will soon be up on my (new and improved, really great really streamlined) gallery page. Art has been so hard for me to feel any inclination to the past few months. Maybe even the past few years when I thinl about it. But it’s hard to feel inspiration or motivation for anything creative when there’s no one to go to for reassurance that anyone cares about my skills or what I’m doing with my life.

I share art almost compulsively because it feels like the right natural thing to do. I have nothing to keep hidden about myself. I used to phrase it a certain way that I now completely disgree with, that my art is “for me and no one else” and I don’t care for people to see it. Thats completeyl true except it is true in the same way that It is true I don’t care if other people see my room or the food I cook, obviously its not a leading priority, but it is ME. My art is my only face. So when peope see it they see me, and I usually don’t show people myself (because this is the only way I know how to do so that comes naturally). So the phrasing of it was very off, and leaving out the direct meaning I was going for. The way I have tried to phrase it since is that my art and writing is the only way I know and feel safe connecting to others. The way people respond to my art lets me know how they feel about a significant part of me. I share everything I create and perform compulsively because it is the same to me as trying to speak in words and sentences for someone to understand. I am more familiar with the performance of living (performing “life” for an audience) than living organically. I don’t like to feel alone in what I create because performing and making art is the same to me as a conversation, and I do not have conversations. It is hard for me to feel alone in being alive. Suffocated, deprived, even